Friday, 23 August 2013

So, I received a weird e-mail today...

I woke up this this in my inbox... what do you think it means?!

Dear Russia,

We need to talk.

I’m sorry that I have to do this in a blog post, but you forced my hand on this one. Anyone who has read my stuff knows that I write vividly gay characters, characters so gay that you’d be shitting rainbows for a month and craving Skittles at every meal. I’m also an historian, you know this, and you know I love reading about your Tsars and the whackjobs you allowed to rule you between 1917 and 1991.

No, Russia! Don’t cry – you still have a beautiful history…. No, wait, it’s full of anti-Semitism and dictatorship. Plus you’ve had your people under surveillance by varying forms of Secret Police since the early… was it the 500s or the 1500s? I can never remember, either way you hold the record for lack of trust in your own people!

Okay, so your language is pretty awesome – no, wait, when translated into English it becomes a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare. Well, it sounds beautiful. Some of your best music came from the period of the Great Patriot War! Remember Rasvitaly yabliny ee grushy from Katyusha? What about Malinka Kalinka? Oh, that’s right, both of those songs served as propaganda to promote Stalin’s ridiculous arms race against the United States.

I’ll be blunt with you: your anti-gay laws are throwing off historians and writers from other countries. How do you expect to go down in history as a democracy when you – a member state of the United Nations – are so casually revoking the basic rights of freedom from your own population? The militant skinheads of Occupy Paedophilia are by no means doing you any favours by publicising their attacks through the internet – it’s as though the Soviet Era has completely erased your sense of dignity!

Then again, I suppose this generation of Russians – as well as their forebears – have grown up under such strict surveillance as to make CCTV look like child’s play.

I’m sorry to have done this in writing, Russia, when I would so gladly have flown to Moscow and danced to YMCA while wearing rainbow spandex to break it off in person. You knew this was coming, Russia, when you passed those laws. History will not look upon you kindly.

Through dusk and dawn,
Through liberty and wit,
You have been dumped,
The Rainbow Tit.